Sunday mornings and primordial fear

    So, my Spirituality Tour 2009 isn’t going so well.  Intellectually, I am fully on board with exploring different religious groups, but when it comes right down to getting myself to some sort of service/gathering/etc.  – well, I don’t. 

     I know that I need to start with the Unitarians, in the way that I sometimes know these things.  There are two Unitarian churches within three miles of my house, meeting at times convenient for someone who is not a morning person. Yet, I’ve spent the past two Sundays telling myself, “Get a grip, Christy  – no one’s ever been attacked by Unitarians!  Get your ass out of bed and go.“  And then I don’t, and read the paper on my couch instead. 

    I’m currently reading   “Coming Out as Sacrament“ by Chris Glaser,  and while I feel he greatly overuses the word “mimetic”, I did love this quote:

“As I have tried to communicate this metaphor of God’s welcome, I have discovered that many of us are blocked.  We have experienced word and sacrament not as open hands ready to welcome us but as spiritually abusive fists ready to pummel us, as open arms ready to embrace us but as intimidating arms pushing us away, protectively shielding rather than openly sharing the Body of Christ, the church. “

    Bingo.  Even if my brain knows that I can walk out of a religious service just as fast as I walked in, and even though I know that the Unitarians have lovely little rainbow signs and probably won’t even mention Jesus, and aren’t even Christians - it doesn’t matter.  I have a fear that is primordial, and part of me feels like somehow, someway, even Unitarians will figure out a way to hurt me and then tell me it’s my fault.

    And yet, on another level, I’m excited about doing some spiritual exploring and meeting new people and learning new things.  I feel like I may be close to breaking free of my heretofore crazy-making and tortured relationship with Christianity – if I can just get past this nameless dread.

    I do not know how to do this, but I do know that if I sit with both hands open to both realities long enough, I will eventually figure something out.     

    I’ll let you know how it goes.

Comments

[Ron]

Christy, UU's are happy to have you visit on your own terms. If you're not ready to "attend a service," just maybe get on their newsletter mailing list. Maybe they'll have something else you'll enjoy attending more...maybe a music concert or something?

There are plenty of UU's who don't attend Sunday services. You can go online at the Beliefnet.com's UU community and chat with religious liberals about most anything, and maybe get a better feel for this kind of "freedom-based community." Then, if the time comes to drop in on a Sunday service or some other local activity, then you'll feel more prepared for it.

We'd love to have you. You sound like an honest person and a questioner, a lover of freedom but seeker of connections and community...which pretty much describes our five century tradition in religion in a nutshell.

Whatever happens, UU or otherwise, best of luck in your journey Christy!

(p.s. I'm uufreespirit there at Beliefnet.)

[renee]

hey friend.
i hear & resonate with your stuff.
if i helps any, i *love* the unitarian church.
the few i've been to have been sort of liturgical (stylewise) but the spirit and open-ness were completely diferent than anything else i've tried.

good luck. love you.
renee

[Christy]

Hi Ron -

Thanks. I don't really think I need more online chatting, but maybe I should find a non-Sunday morning activity and check it out - less to trigger my primordial fear.

Renee -
Too bad you aren't in Pasadena - you could come with me for moral support. Hope you are doing well. Love,
C

[Michael]

Christy,
Your blog tears at my heart. I am a pastor, and I understand your concern. At the same time, I'm so frustrated that the church which should be a place of healing, is not always that way. I have a suggestion to put into your sorting process. I would call the pastor of the churches in your area, and tell them what your fears are, and ask them if they thought their church would be a good experience for you. Most pastors want people to benefit from coming to church, and most know their congregations well enough to make some predictions about how people would "fit" into the mix. I would invite you to call our church, but the commute from Pasdena to Vermont would be a bit rough on a regular basis ;)

[Christy]

Michael -

Thanks for the invite, but yes - the Pasadena - Vermont commute is a rough one. And your pastor-calling suggestion is not a bad one, but the truth is that explaining my fears would involve going into more personal history with a stranger on the phone than I care to. And really - it's more of a visceral emotional reaction than anything concrete and rational. Probably I just need to kick myself in the ass a little bit to get somewhere and then give myself permission to leave if my "not a good place for Christy" spidey-sense kicks in.

[one billion daleks]

Ah yes, the urge to somehow 'fit in' somewhere versus the urge to individuate ... um, it only gets worse as you get older y'know!

Actually, I blogged at some length about this just the other day (http://obd201.blogspot.com), and will be posting further on this darned tricky issue in due course - having already "been there, done that" as it were ... :)

OK then, All The Best!

[one billion daleks]

Oh bugger, the ) on that link shouldn't have been there should it.
OK OK, I'll go now ...

[Troy]

I come from an abusive religious past and have thought about going to a UU congegation but haven't. And the thing is, now that I've recently moved, I live 2 blocks away from one! I don't know what my deal is. I guess I'm just scared, afraid.

[Miz Melly]

Hang in there Christy and go easy on yourself. You'll know the right time and place to venture out. I'm thinking of you and supporting you in your search. Blessings on you!

[Christy]

Troy -

I imagine that you and I have the same "deal." When you've experienced religion as malevolent - especially when you're a kid - there are a million triggers involved with walking in the door, and all the logic in the world doesn't do much to lessen that.

Maybe we should make a pact - I'll go if you will?

Miz Melly -
Thanks!