Throwing hand grenades at Jesus: My arms are tired

I think I’ve run out of ammunition for the moment – although I reserve the right to lob more explosives if the mood should take me. When I started this little series, I wasn’t sure where I was going with it or what difference it would make. So, boys and girls, what have we learned from this?

I don’t know what you think, but I have not been struck by lightning. I will take that as a sign that it’s okay to let go of Jesus. I’ve been feeling stuck for months, and I’m tired of fighting through all of this. I need to de-Jesus my life a bit more, and do more spiritual exploring. Whoever Jesus is or isn’t, s/he will still be there whenever I’m ready to hang out again.

I had my last class for my spiritual director training program tonight, and we read a poem by Denise Levertov:

The Avowal

As swimmers dare
to lie face to the sky
and water bears them,
as hawks rest upon air
and air sustains them,
so would I learn to attain
freefall, and float
into Creator Spirit’s deep embrace,
knowing no effort earns
that all-surrounding grace

I know where I find my freefall, and right now, it isn’t Jesus or theological orthodoxy. I’ve decided to give myself permission for that to be really and truly okay. Life is hard enough, and I deserve to find spaces where my spiritual journey makes sense to someone besides me.

I went to church on Christmas Eve, more out of a sense of obligation than anything else. I left early, because everyone sang like they’d been dead for three years, and the sermon annoyed me, and I didn’t want to take bread and wine from the hands of people in fancy robes. It’s Holy Week, and I don’t want to think crucifixion on Good Friday or say “He is Risen!” on Easter. This Sunday I’m going to hang with the Quakers and sit in silence, and that will be enough.

It always was. It just takes me a while to convince myself sometimes.

Comments

[Stacey]

I have really enjoyed reading your throwing hand grenades as Jesus series. I've been in a deconstruction place for a long time now and I connected with a lot of what you said. I'm not sure where I'm going from here, and I'm finally okay with that uncertainty. I enjoy reading about your journey. Thanks.

[sonja]

Amen.

[Doorman-Priest]

You treat yourself. I rant at God constantly. I believe he is the better for it. I certainly am1

[Amelia]

Hi Christy,
To be honest I didn't enjoy this series very much, but I am glad if you feel better.
Whatever you say I always find your take on things thought provoking, so I went off and had a think. Always a good idea!
Thanks

[Christy]

Ameila -

Interesting....what didn't you enjoy about it? It was boring, irrelevant to your experience, uncomfortable, offensive, unnecessarily whiny.....? Just curious. I'll still stand by everything I wrote - just interested to hear about a variety of reactions. (And you can't say you didn't like it and not say why:-)