Blog Against Sexual Violence: That sort of thing couldn't happen here

As I mentioned in my last post, it’s been rather a shitty week for me, and so, to bring the party down even more, I thought I’d participate in the Blog Against Sexual Violence day. I went back and forth about whether I wanted to do this and how much I wanted to say. I mulled it over while spending the last couple of hours watching stupid television of very pretty people making extraordinarily bad decisions about their love lives in an entertaining fashion.

I still don’t know exactly what I want to say, but I’ve decided to start writing and figure it out as I go. When I was growing up, I told exactly one person about my long-running childhood sexual abuse – a youth pastor my church hired right after my freshman year of high school. He told me he loved me and he’d help me, and then after a few exploratory gropings to make sure I wouldn’t tell, he raped me a dozen times over the course of my sophomore year of high school. He screwed with my already jacked up head and said it was my fault and that no one would believe me if I told. If they did, they’d say it was my fault. I believed him, since I was already rather thoroughly engulfed in toxic shame. I was so traumatized and dissociated that the entire year is still fragmented and fuzzy. He was fired at the end of that year for reasons other than what he was doing to me. I didn’t tell anyone then, and the bastard kept me quiet for more than fifteen years.

I could give all the gory details, I suppose, but this isn’t Oprah, and I can’t see what good it would do. There are only a handful of people who know everything, and I think I’d like to keep it that way. I don’t know where he is right now, and I don’t really care – although I do hope that he isn’t working with youth. I hope he didn’t rape any other girls, but maybe he did. I can’t do anything about that, but I can say this:

This isn’t just my sad little story. I wish it was, but this sort of thing happens a hell of a lot more often than you would like to think. Clergy sexual abuse is not just for Catholics, except if you were raised Baptist, there’s no one to sue – and they can keep their fucking money anyway. I don’t want it. At any rate, because of my story, I hear things. It’s not like I introduce myself at parties by saying, “Hi, I’m Christy, rape and incest survivor. Have you tried the salmon puffs? They’re fantastic!” , but I must give off a vibe or something because I seem to hear a lot of dirty little secrets.

If I didn’t object to putting others’ personal and painful business on the internet, I could tell you all sorts of stories about youth pastors and youth leaders and deacons and elders and senior pastors and nice church boys getting a pass because rape couldn’t possibly happen on a Christian college campus to nice church girls who are afraid to raise a stink because that might be unsubmissive, and they’re afraid that it was all somehow their fault anyway.

Admittedly, my evidence is anecdotal and my sample set may be skewed, but when it comes to sexual violence and sexual abuse, there are a whole lot of churches and organizations that will choose the image of an institution over the image of God every time. I wish that wasn’t true, but it is. Sexual violence and abuse is ugly and disturbing and doesn’t generally make it into the lyrics of hymns and praise choruses. It messes with the happy Jesus vibe that says “That could never happen here.”

I know there are a fair number of people who read this blog who go to some kind of church, so do something for me, will you? Ask yourself and your faith community a few questions:

1. Do you know how to keep your children and youth safe during your programs? Do you get and check references for every single adult who will ever be alone with children or youth? Do you have guidelines in place to protect your children and youth? Do you tell every single youth leader that it is never, ever, under any circumstances, okay to have a romantic/sexual relationship with one of the youth because it is an abuse of power, a betrayal of trust, and a crime punishable under the law?

2. Does every single youth and children’s worker, both volunteer and paid, understand what sexual abuse is, indicators of sexual abuse, and what to do if a child reports it? Does everyone know that, under most state laws, they are mandated reporters of abuse? Do you know the number of the child abuse hotline?

3. Do you talk about sexual abuse and sexual violence with your youth – both how to be safe from it and how not to be a perpetrator of it? Do you teach your youth that their sexuality should be centered on respecting the image of God in themselves and others?

4. Certain religious environments are more conducive to sexual violence and abuse than others: highly authoritarian leadership, an emphasis on unquestioned obedience, rigid black and white thinking, strong emphasis on who is in and who is out, and patriarchal interpretations of Scripture that emphasize the submission of women and women as the gatekeepers of male sexuality. If your church is like this, you probably don’t read this blog, but do be aware of how power works in your faith community. Do you talk about how power is used and how to guard against abuses of power?

5. Is it safe for both youth and adults to talk about sexuality in your faith community or is most teaching and discussion about sexuality rules and shame-based? If you’re going the shame route, STOP DOING THAT.

6. If you become aware of a sexual abuse situation in your faith-based organization, know ahead of time that there are a whole lot of churches and Christian institutions that will want to keep things quiet when they should really call the cops. If you push the issue, you might lose your job or volunteer gig. Do it anyway. You can find another job or another church, but you can never undo the damage of abandoning an already abused person who needed your help. If you cave to save your paycheck or your position, I hope it keeps you up at night. Why should I be the only one?

The last word on this is that rape is a bad thing, as is abuse of power and trying to control sexuality with shame. The word after that is that I am okay – or at least okay-ish. I’ve got my issues and weeks like this one and scars, but there is healing and hope and connecting to God without the religious middlemen. And if it’s happened to you, know that as violating as sexual violence is, there is a part of your soul that the bastard didn’t touch. It may take a while to find, but it’s there.

Comments

[Ellen]

Thank you for writing this Christy.

When I was in Junior High, our youth pastor "had an affair" with a 16 year old in the high school youth group. So our very popular and "successful" youth pastor was kicked out of his position, but when it didn't stop (he was caught again when he broke his arm when he fell sneaking out of his house on his pregnant wife and two kids to meet her) he was kicked out of the church.

From what I heard later, he got in a mess again with another girl at another church where he wasn't a pastor, and after that time, his wife and kids left him. I don't know what happened after that.

But there always seemed to be a sense of shame around the girl from my church. It was always talked about as though they were equal partners in the deed. "They had an affair" was the official line from the adults, and I didn't really know better when I was younger. But looking back on things now, I wonder how much was consensual, because there is *no way* that the power dynamic was equal in that situation.

Anyway, I don't have a huge point here, I just wanted to say that I have been able to see that whole ordeal in a different light and that I hope she has found grace and healing in her life.

[anj]

Christy - What a well-written, articulate heart full post about a deafening deadening subject. To me, you speak with the inner authority that is not about power but which comes from reclaiming those parts of your soul that the bastard could touch and re-integrating them with the parts he could not. Thank you for blogging this.

[Mother Laura]

Thank you, Christy, for sharing your story and inspiring me to share more of mine (I didn't know about the observance today).

May the day of truth, safety, and justice arrive for all.

[jody]

Great article. My question is: what about a pastor who is ordained and leads a college ministry, but the elders don't tell the church he was once in prison for molesting a 14 yr old and a 16 yr old.
Should the church leaders have informed the church members of his past before making him a pastor?
And should he be in charge of a college ministry that is mostly young men?
I guess it's up to the individual and the families to decide...

[Christy]

ellen -
Yeah, I've heard of similar situations where people say that "they had an affair" when clearly, an adult youth pastor in a position of trust and authority who is having sex with a 16 year old is NOT really a consensual situation. Particularly in conservative Christian circles, there are a lot of people who are real fuzzy on the definitions of sexual abuse and rape.

Jody -
Should the elders have told the church? HELL YES! Should they have hired him to be in a position of trust and authority with access to young people? HELL NO. Listen, I believe in redemption, but if this dude went to jail for molesting a 14 year old and 16 year old, then he has some very deep-rooted issues and is NOT an appropriate choice for a college ministry. And the elders know that the church members would freak, which is why they didn't tell them. Criminally negligent decisions like that are what lead to situations like mine.

[christy]

christy, bobbie from 'emergingsideways' had this link on her blog, and i read it in horror. continue to speak out. there ARE christian men who will support you in your fight but woe to those who don't. they will have to give an accounting to God for the way they ignored the sin in their congregation.

God is a God of redemption and grace. Continue to walk in His love and presence, continue to speak out against the madness, continue to remember that you uniquely image the God of the universe.

blessings
judi

[Michael]

Pastors, mental or non-mental should have been held accountable and his testicles strung up. I'm sorry this happened to you, please understand that I don't know everything, but I have been sexually abused as a child too. People like these are terrible people, no matter what their ethnics are. They have no morals whatsoever, screw their monetary positions or their social standings. They (Christian leaders) will be held by their actions before God.

[Christy]

Michael -

Well, the stringing them up by their testicles idea does have some appeal. And I'm sorry for what happened to you too...

[Jane]

Christy,
Thank you for sharing your story. I was sexually exploited by a predator who claimed to be a Baptist pastor, and who was hired by and preached in a Presbyterian Church for several years in our community. He was very charismatic, as they often are, and fooled a LOT of people. Another women in our community, who is now my best friend, was also sexually exploited by this same asshole. He worked himself into a rather powerful position in our community by using his God-given talent of speaking and writing. He wrote a weekly "religious" column in the local paper, spoke at schools during Red Ribbon week, taught a Bible Study, preached at mobile home parks and made a living as a pastoral counselor, after the Presbyterian Church eventually refused to ordain him. It was in this position as a counselor that I was sexually exploited, as was my friend. We pressed criminal charges, and he was given 5 years probation for screwing up our heads, damaging our families, and stealing years from our lives. He is now a registered sex offender, and hopefully will not be able to continue along this same destructive path. Most states do have laws that will allow a victim to press charges. It is hard, because the churches don't want to "admit" that they have done anything wrong, and will lie and do anything and everything in their power to protect themselves, even if it means harming more people. I've learned a lot from this process, and we have teamed up with some others to try to educate women in our community. We recently had a full-day seminar on the subject, and my husband and I told our story. We're looking for other venues to speak out. I'm glad that you started this blog. Best of luck to you.

[ElastiGirl]

Christy,
Thank you for sharing your story. I believe that God leads others to you so that you can speak to them in their recovery - and you each can help each other to heal. Bless you as you educate others thorugh your blog - I will forward this to the youth minister at our church.

[Christy]

Jane -

Sadly, many times churches are more worried about looking bad than they are about dealing with the problem - and they frequently ignore the many signs that something's wrong. Blessings to you in your work.

Elastigirl - thanks for passing it along. I hope the youth minister (and everyone else in a position of authority) pays attention.

[Susan]

I hope everyone takes the time to research the answers to the numbered list of questions you posted. It can take a long time (and there can be a lot of friction) to make meaningful policy changes in churches, neglecting this stuff is tantamount to being accessories to the abuse--and I'm not even talking about the unspeakable cowards who KNOW something evil is going on and can't bring themselves to cope with it--I'm just talking about groups of leaders that are sinfully naive. Even a little bit of open talk about ual abuse can go a long way toward making a church safer for people, and equipping leaders to be better shepherds. I wish I'd been less naive in my (small) shepherding role at Wheaton.

[Christy]

Susan -
"sinfully naive" - that's a great turn of phrase. And I agree - making policy changes can be excruciatingly slow, but just talking about sexual abuse and preventing it can go a LONG way toward keeping it from happening.

[Hugo]

Christy, what a sobering reminder (and a needed one). As a youth leader I follow basic rules for myself (NEVER completely alone with a teen, though often out of earshot); I have others holding me accountable and I hold others accountable.

We do talk about sexual abuse, but we could do more.

[Christy]

Hey Hugo -
It's great that you have basic rules for yourself, but it shouldn't be solely dependent on individual youth leaders to set boundaries - there should be something formal in place. In my years of working at churches, both as paid staff and a volunteer, I was alone with teens hundreds of times - as were the other youth workers - and no one ever checked up on me to see if I was being appropriate, checked references, or ever set any boundaries at all. I was safe, but not everyone is. I don't remember one conversation about keeping kids safe in the context of the youth program.

[Amelia]

I just volunteered to become the Child Protection Officer for my church. Very interesting to see the policy from the C of E, it's excellent quality. But, implementation is always a challenge. Good post Christy, and a reminder of why we do what we do. x

[Christy]

How fantastic that your church has a child protection officer. I'm not a big fan of hierarchy, but there's something to be said for it. I always attended non-denominational or Baptist churches, where each congregation is autonomous, so it's up to each individual congregation to come up with a policy - or not. Most go with the "not" option.

[Mother Laura]

Yes, the congregational polity has benefits in some ways but major drawbacks in others for accountability. I gave up trying to get a response from the American Baptists, denomination of the minister/professor who abused me in college, after two exhausting rounds of phone and email passing-the-buck with top and regional authorities who all claimed it wasn't their jursidiction.

I also spoke to a survivor of sexual abuse in a convent boarding school who had a similar experience along with other survivors of nun-perpetrators. Even after the RC bishops got their butts kicked into having some standards and responding to past allegations, they have no authority over each order of nuns or the cooperative associations of orders/superiors. So the standard answer is to disclaim any responsibility, say the nuns who did it are old or dead and we're running out of money for the retired sisters anyway, and refuse to even listen to victim testimonies or issue apologies.

[Shelia]

Fuck! I've been saying that out loud since I read the opening paragraph a few minutes ago. My blue eyed cat finally got off the couch and left the room due to my raging expressions that disrupted her peaceful position of sleeping next to me while I catch up on my reading. I wish I could say that I don't have a story to tell, but I do. I first told my campus pastors in college about my life of childhood sexual abuse (grandfather and stepfather)--I had kept my secret until I was 20. The "pastor" said, "we love you. we'll help you. I'll be like a big brother to you" yadda, yadda, bullshit! He then went about seducing me in the most textbook way (of course I didn't know it was textbook until 5 years later when I had fled Texas and landed in CA and started reading about clergy sexual abuse!) I was so fucked up when I met them, but I was completely DESTROYED by the time I finally got out of college. Lots of gory details, too, but the short of it is, 1. He told his wife. 2. She disowned me. 3. Overseers from the A/G church got involved. 4. They put him on probation (yes, that means he remained campus pastor of the college fellowship) and told me I had to leave the church (we both attended the local A/G church) and the campus fellowship and never tell anyone. Of course, my family provided no support, and there I was 23 years old and kicked out of the church denomination I'd spent my life in. So, I packed my bags and headed West, mostly because I was gonna kill myself (tried a few times) if I didn't get the hell out of TX--no regrets leaving there. 18 years later, numerous therapists --(I paid their mortgages) and I'm still a believer in Jesus (which I'm told by others who know the whole story is nothing short of a miracle!), but I pretty much hate church! So, the horror of clergy abuse wreaks havoc on the lives of many of us, and for lack of better diction, it just SUCKS! I'm sorry for your pain and grief. My heart cries out in anguish when I hear what others, too, have endured at the hands of men who claim to be Godly. I weep for you. I weep for me. I weep a lot!

[Christy]

Susan -

Thank you for sharing your story. I do my share of weeping myself. And unfortunately, your story is textbook and so is the way your church reacted. I know how hard it is and how incredbily destructive the damage is, but I'm glad you made it. I can't really do church either - and that's okay.

Blessings on your continued journey of healing.

[Perry P Perkins]

Good info on a tough subject. Thanks for putting this out there for folks to read!

I posted as well.

Subject: Child Abuse.

Personal Blog: http://cubeville.wordpress.com/

Professional Blog: http://blog.freecolorprinters.com/

Thanks for the heads up!

-Perry

[Lacresha Hayes]

As a former victim of sexual abuse, I can say that one thing I notice in former victims is they continue to classify themselves as victims. We are NOT victims anymore. We are SURVIVORS!

I am praying for you!

[James Addison]

Thank you for sharing your story. I do my share of weeping myself.The comment so good.
http://www.adultoysuk.co.uk/

[jason kenny]

Have a barbeque with plenty of fosters
It works for me