Oprah and not having a problem

I've been having lots of light bulb, Aha! moments lately, as Oprah would call them. I read O Magazine in line at the grocery store and sometimes I buy one and am depressed by the end to discover that I am probably not living my best life and am most likely insufficiently devoted to self-improvement, but maybe I shouldn't be listening to someone who puts herself on the cover every month, even if I did cry while watching watching the 20th anniversary DVD, especially during the part where the dying mother made video recordings of herself so her daughter would have something to remember her by...and during the part with the woman who was burned in a car accident...and during the part when Oprah gave presents to the kids in South Africa, even if I did think it would have been more productive to build some decent housing, provide some adequate education, and maybe buy some AIDS medicine. I cried a lot watching Oprah actually.

But I digress. Back to my Aha! moment. I went to a Taize service at a church this week, and it was okay. It was a very small group, less than a dozen people all told, and we did a little singing, a little silence, a little prayer, and then we went home. I might go back, but I walked away realizing that I don't want to "go to church" there. I don't want to go to church anywhere, and it's not because I'm bitter or angry or damaged. I just don't want to.

I've realized that all the stuff that you are supposed to go to church for - community, spiritual support, accountability, input - I've already got. While I occasionally miss corporate worship, I don't miss feeling stifled by only getting to partake of one small part of the Christian tradition. I don't miss the expectation that a "good" Christian will be "involved" by being at church activities 2 - 4 nights a week. I damn sure don't miss church politics and all the accompanying drama, and I really don't miss sermons. I don't miss the feeling that there are certain theological boundaries I'm not supposed to cross. I don't miss the pressure to have a particular emotional response to God. I don't miss being surrounded by answers to questions I'm not asking. I don't miss feeling like "I don't know" is some sort of problem.

I felt this click inside and realized that this whole no church thing is not some sort of problem I need to eventually fix. I like this spot I'm in. I love having the freedom to interact with Christians from various traditions and other people of faith, without having to toe some sort of party line. I love feeling rooted in Christianity, but not confined by it. I love telling the truth about myself with no fear of punishment or being judged spiritually unfit. I love not having to pick one small spot when I see so much that is valuable and so much that is destructive all along the Christian spectrum - and outside the Christian tradition. I love not having to spend a lot of time in a room where everybody thinks the same - or at least pretends they do.

And for once, I'm reasonably sure that it's not about being afraid. I think the test was at my sister-in-law's funeral when the pastor directed the message at me - and not in a good way. He didn't call me out by name, but almost everyone in the room knew he was talking about me and thought it was a rather shitty thing to do. Up until very recently, something like that would have absolutely knocked me over and sent me sobbing to hide in the bathroom, but this time - I was okay, and I still am. I mean, I don't like the guy, but this time there was a deep part of me that knew he was talking out of his ass. What he said was all about who he is, and not about who I am. I think that was the first time I really understood that way down deep.

It finally hit me that I'm following my own path because that is where I find light and life, not because I'm reacting against my childhood and young adulthood or because I'm too afraid to walk in the church doors or because I have a problem with authority. I haven't failed and I am not irreparably damaged. God is fine, and I am fine, and God and me are fine. There is always room to grow, but nothing desperately broken that needs to be fixed. Maybe someday attending some sort of formal church will be the right next step for me. Maybe it won't. Either way, I will be okay.

Sometimes it's nice to realize that the solution to a problem is to see that there really isn't a problem at all.

Comments

[Kristin]

Thank you. (said with far more meaning than those little words convey)

I'm so, so glad for where you're at these days. So wonderful to hear. If you ever want to talk about the writing life, too, I'm game. I share the fears of it you mentioned a post or two ago. My summer should be titled "Blocks: Finding ways around them."

[bobbie]

brilliant christy! okay, i have said it a lot - but i love this place you are in. to hear the confidence and solidity of your words as you write - it really is incredible! those bones aren't dry anymore woman!! dance, dance, dance!!

and i LOVE the new look -

[Carlos]

God is fine, and I am fine, and God and me are fine. There is always room to grow, but nothing desperately broken that needs to be fixed. Maybe someday attending some sort of formal church will be the right next step for me. Maybe it won't. Either way, I will be okay.

Sounds like you're in a great place. Good for you.

[wilsonian]

"I don't miss being surrounded by answers to questions I'm not asking."

Well, amen to that!
I haven't been hanging around here long, but it looks like I came in at a good part of the story. Enjoy!

[sean dietich]

Hey,
I really enjoy your blog! Thanks for your honest heart and truthfulness, it is refreshing to hear someone be real. Its cool to read about real people who serve Jesus.

I am a musician, and I would be honored if you would check out my music. All music on my site is free for download. Anyway, don't want to be a pest, I just thought that I'd share.

Thanks,
-Sean
_____________________
www.SeanDietrich.com
"All my music is free."

[Christy]

Kristin -
I will shoot you an e-mail sometime in the near future. If you've figured out a way to get past the blocks, you can clue me in then.

Carlos - I think you're a new commenter, so welcome.

Bobbie -
I thought green was a nice color for this phase in my life - sort of a growing, tree-y thing.

Wilsonian - It's been about 2 1/2 years of mostly tales of inner darkness, so you should maybe consider yourself fortunate that you only got the tale end of all that.

Sean - Welcome to DBD, and I will check out your music. You can't beat free.

[Max]

I totally agree with you